I'm back! :)

It's been a long time since I've blogged. My life has pretty much changed as much as a life can change since I've blogged last. I now live twenty miles from where I grew up and two miles from where I was born. I have an (awesome) girlfriend, a dog named Delilah and four crazy cats. I'm no longer with the company I was with for eleven years. I don't mind. I am obsessed with snorkeling. I usually get enough sleep now. My problems and strengths have changed. Some have gone away and some are brand new.

I thought about starting a new blog, to disconnect it from everything that once was. A new start without baggage! I then realized that this is just another chapter and knowing me I will be back to blogging about the same things anyway. I am not a new person because I've settled down in another town. It's so funny when I read the old blog entries because they are just snippets of my life but they bring me right back to that time and I can remember everything that was going on. I don't want to go back and read them anymore, I want to forge forward with new thoughts for a change. Regardless, I'm not a new me so I opted out of having a new blog.

Life has changed so much. The things I think about the most often now are probably how to make money, how to get healthy, and what the f am I suppose to be eating to be healthy. I read a lot and there are so many conflicting ideas about what is the best thing to eat that I can't even come close to feeling secure that I have the answers. Right now my gut feeling is that if you can pick it, gather it, pull it out of the ground or kill it it's probably safe to eat. Everything else is probably not such a good idea to eat. I won't go off on all of that right now but let's just say that I am trying super hard to give up pop and failing most of the time. I don't know what it's about - I guess I will just chalk it up to old fashioned addiction.

I think quite a bit about addiction. I am now in a 12 step program to help quell the addictions that I've had for many, many years. I secretly think that I swap primary addictions at whim and often substitute one for another never leaving myself without a crutch of some sort. I am abstaining from some of my more harmfull addictions but have not been able to fully commit to the program in a way that is spiritually driven. I really would love it if I could buy into the twelve steps completely but I have some issues with trusting in a higher power. I am not saying I don't believe in God, I just find it hard to trust in God. I guess it probably stems from the fact that bad things happen to people all the time. Good people, bad people, average Joes and Joesephines. I know a couple of people with cancer right now who do not deserve it. Good, good people. People who make the world a better place. I can't really wrap my head around there being a rhyme and reason for that. It seems very random to me. And if I were to entertain the thought that it is not random, I'd be more inclined to feel that cancer hits good people even more than the slimeballs. That's just been my experience.

So although my mom's death isn't exactly the same for me right now as it was when I was blogging before, it's still a pretty serious life shaper. It's still huge for me and I am pretty sure it aways will be. I still miss her more than I could ever convey to anyone. I would do anything to talk to her again. I would give anything I have to know she's okay. I really, really hope that we find out some day that there is life beyond this. It's a beautiful thought, you know? For me to see my mom, grandmas, aunts and uncles again - that would be the most amazing gift I could ever receive. Faith, they say... not sure why I wasn't born with that built in. I wish I were.

I am going to keep this entry short and sweet.

I want to blog again because I want to hear my voice again. I want to remember that I have ideas and validate for myself that I have a brain that is capable of communicating those ideas. I want to write on my truths. Eventually I'd like to share photos when I blog, because I think that's the point of both taking photos and blogging, to give a glimpse into my individual sphere of reality. Writing can communicate what we feel just as readily as a photography can convey what we see. Not sure why, but for some reason I'm back in a space to share. :)

Obama!!?!?!?!

So. Wow. We did it. We won. Barack Obama is the president. The swearing in ceremonies yesterday were so beautiful and filled with hope and love I can honestly say that in my lifetime I've never witnessed anything like it. I must have cried a thousand tears so far. I can not remember ever feeling like I had any say in what a shitty place this country had become. I've never felt like I've had a voice. That's not true anymore. I am actually looking forward to being a part of the change.

At first I hesitated to write and share anything that makes me feel vulnerable, questioning just how much personal and intimate information about myself I should really put out there. After a second or two of consideration, I realized that there is so much personal information already out there that if someone should stumble across this tiny smudge of me; thats okay. I'm cool with it. Obviously I'm more than cool with it, I'm doing it intentionally with that very hope in mind. I'm trying to share. I'm reaching out to random souls (and some not so random) in our gigantic universe of synchronously beating hearts. Trying to sway as one, maybe. Oh the symbolism I can come up with. Ahhh. So soothing. So warm and fuzzy.

Speaking of symbolism, I had a few realizations recently that's made me deconstruct some of my own theories. Before I go into all of that, let me start by saying that I love, love, LOVE symbolism. I love it even more when it contrasts the representationalism that is so widely accepted. I don't believe that everything is hard and fast and factual. Some things are, sure, but most things are not so linear. If you drive a sports car, you are not necessarily hot. If you are a size three you are not necessarily healthy. If you have a partner it doesn't mean you are happy. If you are happy it doesn't mean that you are blessed beyond belief or that somehow you are oblivious to all things sad or hard. Everything vibrates, everything has an ebb and flow. We are an ever changing energy, tumbling and tumbling, how can we assume anything just IS?? I love that a tiny flower can convey love. I love that a kiss on the forehead or a squeeze of the hand can mean more than a gift of a corvette. I love that we read each other like books and only half the time do we actually know the language we're reading. I love everything that balks the implied absolutely concrete facts of life. I want be someone who cries when I see a rainbow. It doesn't have to make sense. I want to feel overjoyed when the first blossoms spring from the bud. I don't want to look at the world and believe there's no magic there. I want to believe in fairies but more importantly I want to flutter like a fairy myself.

I have no desire to have both feet planted on the ground, but maybe I need to touch down a little more often than I do.

I've felt controlled many times by my own ideas about "what things mean". If food goes bad in the fridge before I eat it, I feel that I didn't feel enough gratitude for that food, and I feel sorry that I'd taken advantage of the farmers who planted it & grew it and harvested it, and I feel ashamed that the sun did all that work to grow it for me. Look at the resources wasted, look at the clean water gone - the gas to move the food from florida to the grocery store, and from the grocery store to my house - wasted. I don't see a box of rotten strawberries anymore, I see a box of lavishly squandered natural resources laced with bitter sadness and regret. I see the dollar store as repositories of solidified sweat from children forced to work long hours with no pay & no love & no stories read to them at night. I see teak furniture as a symbol of America's greed. I imagine the torn down houses and ravished lands of the people we've destroyed to make our teak patio sets. I seriously want to throw up when I see hand knitted anything because I know there is a person who knitted that in hopes of being able to feed her family even though her fingers will bleed. I see vehicles choking our Mother Earth. I see us devouring our planet like a tomato worm on a heirloom vine. Sometimes these thoughts bombard and immobilize me.

So, I suppose one thing I'm saying here is that there needs to be a balance. I'm trying to reel myself in just a little bit. I'm trying to remember that physical objects and actions in the physical world are what they are - but that doesn't negate it's possible symbolism. The object as a symbol may or may not be valid; but am I seriously qualified to constantly judge that? Maybe not.

So while thinking about all of this, I then came to the conclusion that I might need to focus a bit more on some of the actual events and things that are going on around me right now for REAL for SURE rather than trying to find meaning in shit that is just shit. Focus on good. Focus on people doing. I need to focus on all of the dramatic movement happening in society. Not in an abstract way, but right freakin' now, right outside my window, right within my office, all around us kinda way. There are just as many amazing things happening in the world as there are shitty things. Every day. Small miracles and random acts of kindness. There is an abundance of love. There is an abundance of delight. People are paying it forward; people are stepping up. People are rallying together for change. People are feeding the elderly and the hungry and the disabled and the poor. People are making other people's lives better all the time, in big ways and small ways, sometimes with a much needed hug or a loving smile. Sometimes by changing their minds and challenging their prejudices. We who chose to walk that path are making things better every single day; and we're starting with our selves. We have a lot to rejoice about. We have a lot of goodness to recognize if we make the honest attempt to see it. I have to believe this & give gratitude for this and keep this going. I'm going to forget regret, forge forward, keep symbolism in check and love completely all the people whose hearts continue to beat with mine.

and thats what im all about

abandoned adorable animal apple baby barn barncat berries bird blossom blossoms blue breakfast bridge bugs bunnies bunny butterly calf candy casslake cat cats catsitting cattle cold country cow cute d50 dad daisy dandilion dayoff dearborn desktop detroit dilapitated dirtyshow downtown drivein duck family farm field flower flowers flutterby food fordwyoming fridaynight friends fruit fruitstand garden goose grass gull healthy holiday home ice kari kitten kittens kitties kitty kittys lake leela lenses logan love macintosh macro market me michigan moon motorcity mountains movies new newbaby nibbler niceday nintendo nude orange out party pinconning pixar pontiac pontiacmi pretty pumpkin puppies pups raindrops ratatouille robin roses rural saginaw seagull sears seed self sky snapdragon snow spring springishereyay squirrel strange strawberries summer sunset swamp swan theater theatre tigerlilly tomato tree trip trying tryingoutnewlenses twilight urban vegetables warehouse water waterfowl weed weeds weekend wildflower winter work yellow

thirty three

In my 33rd year I will make an honest effort to spend more time with my friends, my family and all the others who fit somewhere in between. I will honor myself by remembering to take care of myself. I will honor others by not trying to take care of them. I will be 100 percent honest with everyone. Even when that's hard, and even when that hurts. No more layers of truth - no more bullshit. This year I found out I am a tiger and not a rabbit. No offense to rabbits, but I do indeed feel more like a tiger. Especially this year.

For the past 8 years I've taken self portraits on my birthday and this is the first year I've been completely at peace with the shot. While I'm a bit more wrinkled and worn, I'm also a bit more sturdy and sure, and quite a bit more authentically me.

Juliette

I mean.. she's really super bratty, right. She attacks Nibbler. She claws my chair. She jumps on the table. She scratches the shit out of me. My legs look like they did when I was nine years old and spent most of the time in the haymow. She's obsessed with getting in the bathtub with me.. she's truly out of control and as crazy as a junebug.

And I adore her. She snuggles with me at night, all night. If I turn over, she stands up and walks til she can settle back down. She looks up at me with those green-gold eyes and I can't hardly explain how it fills me with warmth. Its like the cavernous empty in my soul isn't so deep and windy. Her purr fills me with more of the same. She pats my eyelids when she wants me to wake up, gently, without claws. She's so tiny and innocent and sweet. I think she's wonderful. I think I love her.

:)